Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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