I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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