Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
