he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
