I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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