I just saw a hot homeless man
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
