You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
