Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
