smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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