I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
