My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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