Tell her she can't have a vagina
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
