Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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