My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
