if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I look better un-naked...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Randomize
