Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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