I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I am available for nakedness
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
