so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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