I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
