she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
