the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
