Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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