He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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