did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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