I faked an abortion last night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
