going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
