I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
