Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
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