Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
