So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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