Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
