ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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