my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Randomize
