How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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