look no pants
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
