I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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