So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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