I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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