4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
