Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She's the barista slut.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Randomize
