There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
