Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
