I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
