After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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