tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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