how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
