The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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