Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You're like the curious george of whores
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
