Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
