i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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