I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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